How to tip at a restruant and a bar.

I have been eating out a lot lately and I have noticed service on a large range from down right undeserving and horrible to outstandingly amazing. This broad range of quality of service can be seen within the same restaurant too. The tip that we leave, is always determined in a whispered, frantic, discussion between me and my girlfriend at the table. So I've decided to come up with some kind of scoring system to easily judge how much of a tip the waitress or waiter deserves, not based off what percentage people think is enough. Now before you go and curse at your computer screen and say that I'm a tight-wad person, read this example of poor service.
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One evening me and my girlfriend went to a well known, very popular local seafood restaurant in our home town. She doesn't usually eat very much so we usually just share one order of whatever we feel like eating. She's full, I'm full, and we're happy and saved money. So this particular night we did our usual order of 2 drinks, and 1 meal. We get the bill and notice an added 18% gratuity to the bill. The waitress didn't do an outstanding job. She was kind of rude to me and smarted off in a jokingly way, but that doesn't mean I tolerate that kind of thing. She brought two plates and then the food on a third. We only needed two plates including the one with the food on it. So my girlfriend gave her one of the empty plates back, and then I gave my girlfriend the other empty plate. The waitress said "she doesn't want that, she just gave me hers." I wanted to tell her to shut up that I know what my girlfriend wants, but I bit my tongue because I was very hungry and didn't want her to shit in my tartar sauce I asked her to bring me.

The place wasn't very packed. Maybe 5 tables were sat and we got our food rather quickly... but undercooked. My girlfriend actually had an allergic reaction to the crawfish because it wasn't cooked enough. However, that was much later into the night that we noticed that. So we get our bill... and there is the 18% gratuity added to it. I thought to myself, "Did we cripple kitchen production? Did we have to get tables moved together? Did we have a party of 5 or more?" No. No we had one order of fried shrimp and crawfish on one plate for two people. The waitress was rude, unprofessional, and I always seem to get the same bitch every time I go there. I was very upset that this was automatically added to the bill. That restaurant will never see our business again.

To show the waitress, whom didn't seem to come back to the table after she ditched her free ride tip bill off to us, how much I was upset; I didn't pay it. I mean... I paid for the food, but I left exactly 18% less money than the total of the bill. I wonder if they will take her tip out of her tips. Yeah, because that made sense...

So the next time we went eat out was at one of the local truck-stop diners. I didn't leave a tip that time either, because the woman didn't even say anything when she walked up to the table. She just stared at us like we were gonna shoot her cat after we were done eating. She walked up to the table, and fucking stared at us. Plain and simple. I said "uh... she wants a dr. pepper with no ice, and i want a coke." She scribbled some shit on the paper and left. That right there is a damned insult. What the fuck are you doing waiting tables if you can't even say hello? To make a short story shorter... it took her 10 minutes to return with the drinks, and another 45 minutes to bring the food, which was hot, surprisingly enough. Her tip - $0.00. For not saying a fucking word, not coming check on us when I needed some more ketchup, coke, and dr. pepper, and plopping the plates down. How do you plop someone's plate down on the table? What the fuck is wrong with you? I'd hate to see how you put your kids to bed.

The scoring system: Restaurants

They'll start off with a 20% tip. That's very generous but let's take a look at the things that will fuck that all up.

Sitting at the table: Some do this when they take an order. You get, no tip. - And you better hope I don't have a straw yet, cuz I will shoot the paper of it at you when you walk away, bitch, don't invade my personal space.

Screwing up the drink order: To me, this is the most important part of a meal. I don't want to eat a steak, and then drink milk. So don't screw my drink order up. If you do, you're only getting 10%. You're not gonna get shit if you don't fix it.

Screwing up the food order: This includes not cooked all the way, wrong food, or cold food. If you do this, you get 5%. I go to specific restaurants for a specific food, not to try new things at your leisure.

Assuming you can keep the change: If the total is say, $34.75 and I give you 2 $20 bills. DO NOT assume you can keep the change. I will speak to the manager, and I will try to get your fired with some sad story of why I needed that money. I know its dishonest, but there is no blow lower. If you want a tip, do you job right with a smile on your face, be nice and don't fuck up, and you'll get tips. Stealing gets you in jail. Offer to bring my change back to me and I'll say you can have it, or I'll just leave it on the table with more money or whatever.


The Bars -

Tipping at a bar is simple. $1 for every beer you buy, and $2 for every mixed drink. Bartenders put up with a lot of shit. I didn't realize this until I actually started to date one. It is VERY rare that a bartender is rude, or untimely. It's a fast paced environment with rapid customer turn over rates. I WANT my bartender to be as fast as humanly possible and say as little as possible unless I ask a question about a drink or some shit. Bartenders have to hear sob stories, get hit on, have rude comments made toward them, and they are all done by drunken idiots. Most bars don't allow them to drink or even talk on the phone, they are there to be your alcohol slave.

Which brings me to an important cardinal rule for bars and restaurants.

Don't fuck with the people who handle your food/drinks.

They can and WILL fuck your shit up royally. I've seen it done over and over and it can get ugly. Just remember, you can't taste vinegar when you're already drunk, and saliva is tasteless on a burger. You've been warned.